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"Those who do not become addicted either 1) do not have the normal euphoric reaction to cocaine, 2) cannot find or afford additional supplies of cocaine, or 3) see that they are becoming addicted early on and "are able to cease use" (Gawin 1991, p. 1580-1581)"
He uses cocaine as an example, but he makes the generalization later on that no drug is "instantly addictive".
The dangers of addiction are strong, but I'm not addicted to anything right now. That's only partially true of my past.
Addictive drugs I've tried:
Oxycontin
Alprazolam
Methamphetamines
Amphetamines (Adderall)
Cocaine
MDPV
My first addiction was Adderall. I never noticed it, I was using it for school then it just became a whenever I want to perform well drug. It made me too smart, too good. It was a drug I needed, and continued use on and off in college. I've vowed never to go to school under the influence of any speedy substance again; and already broken it once. This is what I will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life, and it sucks. Those times were just too good. I began snorting it once I realized it only took 1/4 the dose, had the same effects, and sleep came nightly. This was my first insufflation experience too. Since then, oral has become my preferred route, unless insufflation is really more beneficial, like it was with Adderall.
Thesis: I was hooked because it always made me euphoric (step 1), I had an almost-unlimited supply (Step 2), and never noticed my doses (Step 3). I went to jail for 2 weeks, and my source went away, so I just vowed not to do it again.
My second addiction was Oxycodone. I quit the best job I ever had because of this drug. Coming down off it I was so pissed off that I just up and quit. That's when I saw Step 3 firsthand. I would have never normally done that, it was the drug. I sold the pills and never popped one again.
Thesis: I did not get hooked because I instantly realized the next day I had made a fatal mistake. Opiate withdrawal makes me super-pissed. (3). You could also argue I got no euphoria off it, just feeling stoned and content. Not the body-buzz i experienced with Adderall. Not what I wanted.
Third came Alprazolam. I had done "bars" and loved them. I realize now that's because I actually have anxiety issues. That's related to my recent revelation that I'm actually an Extrovert, and anxiety had been Introverting me. Everyone can tell I'm the life of the party, but when I get nervous I'm not that person. Also used in times of extreme distress (the abortion).
Thesis: Step 1. Coming off of week binges felt better than starting them. So, sober felt better.
Fourth I tried Cocaine. What a strange little drug. I never got that "euphoria" except in the initial dose, and redosing was just an urge. When I ran out I'd rather go to sleep than try to get more. I simply did not have the money to maintain a cocaine addiction, no matter how much I loved speeding. And cocaine can actually increase my mental focus; if it wasn't so expensive I might use it more.
Thesis: Step 2, no money.
Fifth was Meth. I had dosed on Adderall across the dosing board so I knew my speed, but I was NOT prepared for meth. The rush lasted 10 hours, and the comedown lasted 6, but it makes you feel like absolute shit. The mental focus comes with no direction, and only repetitive acts are pleasurable; too much scatterbrain.
Thesis: I call it the "devil's drug". Step 3 stopped me, but I've never seen anyone successfully handle a meth addiction, so just stay the fuck away. I know I am.
Sixth was MDPV. I didn't notice I was addicted; I had been taking it to learn my job and school at the same time, switching between a leech to a productive human being. It helped while it existed, and I don't feel less mentally capable without it. It was great for focus though; I could learn and NOT forget. The cold sweats and reddish lips probably didn't help my public image though; if anyone noticed.
Thesis: Step 2 stopped me. Limited supply with no restocking possibilities. I would have easily used this drug every day, because at low oral doses I noticed no side effects. I love this shit.
Conclusion: At this point, I've hit step 3 so many times that I can easily quit. Because I went through hell, adderall tore up my degree. I'm not afraid of any drug, only afraid of large quantities. Maybe one day I'll find my perfect smart drug, and get around step 2. Maybe not. I'm going to keep looking though. Thanks for reading this crap. |
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So, here's the four providers I deal with.
U-Verse (AT&T) <- Whom I represent.
Comcast
DirecTV
Dish
I've done alot of shopping today since my shift got cut short by rain.
The ONE provider I thankfully DON'T deal with are:
Verizon FiOS
Straight up, it's the best. But its availability is very very limited because they have to wire your house specifically, so if they're not close already, you're SOL. They can offer unshared profiles, allowing you 100Mbps of speed per line. You're only limit is your wallet.
Everyone's got their ups and downs. I want to believe my service is the best, but it's a compromise service.
U-verse sends 32Mbps per line to your house. (Houston the max is one. Dallas and SF Bay is two. Other areas may vary)
Each HD stream takes up 6Mbps.
I sell people 6Mbps or 12Mbps of internet.
Math:
Worst case:
3 HDTVs, Max Turbo (24Mbps). This is the maximum U-verse supports.
32-18 = 14Mbps left over.
Conclusion: If you bought more than 12Mbps of internet, you'd notice a slowdown. I don't sell the top two options because of this reason.
Save your money, that's my goal.
Average Case:
2 HDTVs, Max Internet.
32-12 = 20Mbps left over. Your internet will show around 11.5ish, and will not vary with time of day like copper-shared networks (ADSL and Cable).
The below list is collected from so much random forum crap that it's not even worth mentioning my sources. Google it if you doubt me.
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Provider Average Compression Rate
Uncompressed 3Gbps
Blu-Ray 72Mbps (and up, depending on layers)
OTA 18Mbps
DirecTV 9Mbps
Dish 8Mbps
U-verse 6Mbps
Comcast 3Mbps (I read two reports that said 768 kbps, but that can't be right)
Cox 2Mbps
Entouch 2Mbps
Other providers: 3Mbps average.
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Chart conclusion: U-verse is the best lined cable provider. DirecTV, Dish, and yes, even Over The Air broadcasts are higher quality. This will ONLY be noticable in high-motion content; soap operas and sports. But if you're a big sports fanatic, then you have the NFL Sunday Ticket I bet.
DirecTV is the only one with the NFL Sunday Ticket. On top of that, they have the best signal quality.
-So what's THEIR catch? 12 month term with 24 month contract. Average starting price is 65, after promo price over 110, jacked up second year rate adds 50 dollars, so that's 160 if they're mean (they are), excluding premiums. There's no negotiating until you're out of contract.
DO ANY OTHER COMPANIES DO THAT?
Comcast is the same as DirecTV. 12 month price guarentee if you promise to pay them whatever the second year. They allow re-negotiations before end of contract, about three months.
Dish has a price guarantee for the last year. Contract terms are 2 years with them. They allow re-negotiations before end of contract.
WHO DOESN'T?!
U-verse has a 6 month price guarantee in selected areas, no contract. In other areas, it's a 12 month price with a 12 month contract. Price guarenteed till you're OOC. However, no negotiating until you're out of contract.
Keep in mind "Out of contract" for all of the above means the day after your contract ends. Or before you pay your next bill.
So, for TV, Who should I pick and why?
Sattelite: It's mobile. Seriously, some people use this for tailgating/RVing
OTA: Something: Can't beat free. Highest quality, but lowest selection (duh).
DirecTV: Quality: the best TV provider by far. Clearest picture, best selection all around. Also the highest price. Price means quality here. Only one with NFL Sunday Ticket.
Dish: Economy: You loose a shitton channels, but you get a much better price than with DTV.
Wired: Immobile. Can't take this with you.
U-verse Quantity: The most channels at the lowest price. Artifacting might be noticable in high-speed 1080p broadcasts on high-end TV's. Complaints pre-2009 don't count, there was a major service upgrade. It did suck back then. It doesn't now.
Comcast On-Demand: The best on demand. Period. And that's it. By FAR the worst picture quality. Artifacting is noticable in SD resolutions. Shared neighborhood means your TV looks bad when your neighbors are watching too. I really can't see how anyone's happy with them.
Okay, but U-verse's main selling point isn't the TV. That's the convincing part, especially if they have DirecTV. Because they're having such a good time they don't want to chance it, and I don't blame them. If money is no issue ever, then get it and have a blast.
Personally, I've had one good and one bad experience with U-verse TV. The good experience was that I got so many channels I NEVER was without something good to watch. You might need to set up parental controls on yourself so you don't watch TV before schools up, I started missing class!!!
The bad experience was because of a faulty wire in my neighborhood. The TV would constantly freeze, delay, and sometimes the DVR would just plain cease to function. That is unacceptable, I agree. And the worst part is that ATT does this in two steps: the initial fat fiber optics; and the bridges to the house and install. The techs you meet at your door are the "end of line" techs. Unfortunately, if your problem is out of that scope (like mine was), they have to contact some other company. The two companies don't work well together, so it'll be six months before we see u-verse again in my second house.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE INTERNET?!
U-verse is second only to FiOS in internet.
JDP&A rank U-verse as best 5 years running, simply because Version has a "SOL" policy (not wired already? you're SOL!).
Comcast and ATT aDSL (most current dsl) is bogged down by the "neighborhood share". Run 2 speed tests tonight, and two in the morning. I guarantee the morning ones will be faster. Fiber is better than copper. Coax was invented in 1880 as a RF transmission medium. There's no way Oliver Heaviside could fathom how much we cram through that wire these days. Just 40 years ago, 512kb was an excessive amount of ram. Now, you need over 4000x that amount just to run basic applications. Bill Gates didn't fathom how far computing would go. No one knew. Fiber Optics was designed yesterday [figuratively], with the future of 2050's speeds and beyond in mind. Since we have a trend, we know how far it can go.
A note on PowerBoost(tm)
Comcast advertises speeds by using a gimmick. For ten seconds, they will comprimise the neighborhood just to let you see one heck of a high download number. It's only for seconds out of the day, but that's enough to trick you. Your normal speed is about 1/3rd to 1/5th of the advertised speed. Personally I think this trick alone is a reason not to sign up with them.
Overall
Sure seems like I hate comcast. But I've had personal and second-hand experience with them, hundereds of times. They suck.
ADSL sucks, it always has! Cable internet blows. DirecTV is expensive and good. U-verse is the best value. U-Verse knows it's got the best internet, that's why we have to market the TV so hard, because well, it ISN'T the best, DTV is better. That wheels U-verse in at a close second, leading by price.
Thesis:
If you're happy with Comcast, you need to give me a call to find out what you're missing out on. two eight one, four one five, eighty nine thirty three. Go ahead, name's Todd. Please, only Houston-area locations. I won't even hard-sell you, I just think U-verse is THAT much better than Comcast. And for the price, it's a no brainer! But, that's what I have to think. Just call me instead of the 1-800 crap. You'll get a better deal than online, or at least the same deal, and won't have to sit on hold for 20 minutes. |
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Aug. 8th, 2011 @ 06:10 pm
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I am worth living for. It's not worth experimenting with the afterlife yet... no matter how much more help I think you need. I need to try... and thank god I've got a reason to try. Otherwise, I wouldn't. Because, my previous attitude, has rendered me with a more terrible future than I could anticipate. No, that's a lie. I've known all along I was going to jail, I just always figured I'd kill myself beforehand. I even had a note and place and everything worked out.
But I want to know what prosperity is like... it's something I can still attain for sure. It's going to take me a lot longer than I thought though... I should be behind a desk right now, in some other city. Instead i'm looking out from behind bars, wondering when I'll get to see my love again. It's a terrible thought to think, and that's why I haven't thought much of it yet.
And won't, just now. But this is a notice to myself. Todd, don't be stupid. You'll lose her, and everything. There might be nothing after this. I shouldn't risk it anymore.
I really want to seriously apply for some jobs. But, that would be useless.
later. |
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some names have been changed
I've got two anecdotes and a mouthful at the end. And, I want to applaud the third woman mentioned, Joslyn, for her remarkable ability to be honest.
The first evil was my first's friend out in California, Jody. She had low self esteem, and for whatever personal reason, decided the mob was out to get her. Her story, summarized, is believable. Her ex wanted out of the mob, and he was killed for it. She was nowhere around, but was sure she was next for what she knew. However, my ex asked little details about the life and the story fell apart; it's obvious this woman was never around real guns. I wasn't part of her life, but I can only imagine what people thought of her afterwords. Lying for attention backfired bad for her, she quickly married Jeremy (local man-whore with low self esteem himself). I'm not sure if she gave up the lie, or even if Jeremy knows the truth, but I can only hope she hasn't let a lie haunt her.
The second one didn't seem evil. Kris didn't even want to talk about it. But, after her "gorgeous" love affair with Siwash, things stopped adding up. Although I failed to get details out of her (who would want to remind a poor woman of such a terrible act?), her rape story stopped. She also had low self-esteem, either a genre or faulty perceptions at work on my part. From what little I pieced together; she had gotten in with the wrong crowd, and some drug-fueled lust overcame the man. I don't doubt an act happened... but the more and more I think about it, the less likely it was non-consentual. She must have thought it was a bad idea after-the-fact, otherwise she wouldn't invent a story to cover it up. Things stopped adding up; either this woman is faking her weakness or faking her story. I don't think I'll ever find out the real truth, but she lied enough to make it believable.
The third one had a good heart. It seems dilluted that I would say my ex is better than the above two, but in my mind, she was. She was finally honest. Her first time was taken by someone she thought she had a future with, only to find out his words had no meaning, and he was just going to move away again like he did before. She deeply regretted letting him take her first time, but she didn't say no at the time. Like many "rapes", she just became entranced and let him do his magic. But she never once lied about it for sympathy. We were close, but I never quite got a good reading on her self-esteem. But it wasn't so low that she needed to lie and incriminate innocent people to make it seem real. And he had a name, unlike the above two people.
Even though the men implicated are rarely mentioned in these stories, they are very damaging. They frighten both woman AND man, and make a very serious act seem like crying "wolf". Why didn't any of the above women call the police? If rape was truely that serious, would you risk letting such an evil man go free?
I applaud you Joslyn, for being honest. It's not easy admitting you regret something so intimate. But it proves you are much stronger than a person who lies to cover their own weakness. I guess this proves I have good taste? ;) |
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This is mostly a personal note, as any real speech class would teach you this.
Any good speech is split into three parts, and only three parts. Any more and people are bound to forget.
First part: Tell them what you're about to talk about.
Second part: Talk about it.
Third part: Remind them what you just talked about.
That should be enough to drive the point home in anyone. |
| » Psy on: Cutting (Turntablism) |
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The art of cutting and mixing live is quite tremendous. It takes a true DJ to pull what few can, and here's an example.
In this song, Mark Ronson's vocals are extensively cut in on out (Bed--ed-edddd). On a Turntable, this would be accomplished by sliding the crossfader from the background track to the vocal track repeatedly. It makes it sound like the sounds "cutting" in and out, hence the term, Cutting. This is an essential turtablism skill, and any true DJ should be able to cut successfully.
BUT WAIT, THAT WASN'T LIVE
Damn straight. I'd be a hypocrite if I quoted an example of studio recording as if it was done live. Here's a live version.
The quality sucks, but it's the best on youtube. From what I can tell, there is no cutting in the live version; or maybe he only does it once or twice. It's very dissapointing to write something then find out it's not true.
So, I quested. While writing this article. DJ QBERT Came to my rescue! In this video you'll see his turntables to the right, and the drum pad to the left. More on the drum pad later.
1:13-1:38 When you hear "1-2-3-4", watch his right hand. You'll see how he slides it to the right to silence the left record then back to the left for the word.
But, from 1:05 to the end, you can see him constantly cutting the scratches. That's so he's not forced to have a big screech at every repeat.
After the live video, even I'm amazed. I never quite got how turntablists memorized the track spots on the record so well. Must just come with practice.
And for the drum pad... they're fairly common among true DJ's (not just the record-spinners). Most of them are used to pop up prerecorded beats to put in the mix, but an interesting feature is that the 16-button pad can also be used to make music. Few are daring enough to "beatmania" it live, they record everything in pieces before the show. But, for those daring few, we salute your talent.
The turntables that play the song can be as much as an instrument as any in the actual song. This is how you turn a party into a rave, with a true pro.
edit: 16, not 20 buttons. The other four are for memory.
Nov. 12th, 2010 @ 01:18 am
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| » Why I might die. |
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I had a promising future. Graduated with high marks from high school, started college off great.
Then, come my sophomore year. Great emotional tear causes me to steal my roommates drugs; thinking, he wont call the cops on me if I take his drugs. Well, he did.
Enter biggest form of anxiety. The truth is, I never smoked pot daily before the law entered my life. It wasn't the bad boy thing either; I clearly don't want to go to jail. And at this point, I actually WOULD rather die than go. My life is already terrible, going to jail would destroy all hope of ever getting a life again.
Well, since then, anxiety has taken over my life. I stopped going to classes my sophomore year due to mad anxiety; I was actually afraid of the already terrifying campus cops. I was so afraid they'd be waiting for me at class, I COULDN'T go. In fact, it got so bad that occasionally I'd run away from everyone; just so the cops couldnt get to me. Why am I so afraid of them? They keep telling me; "you do what you're supposed to and you'll have nothing to worry about." But I can't stop worrying.
That's the reason I can't stop smoking. Or doing something else to take my mind off my anxiety. It's cut into my personal life so hard that I can't even develop one without involving a drug of some sort.
The sane thing to do, since I'm too afraid to go to school (the fear is now so driven into me no matter how hard I convince myself the campus cops AREN'T out to get ME, I still run when I see one.) It's a self-destructive cycle I can't stop feeding...
So, I sought a change. Self-empowerment. I'd get a job and support myself. Well, there went my last six months in dallas. Almost a hundred apps in total over 7 months, no hires. If they can't deny me due to experience, they deny me due to my background.
Now I'm in Houston doin the same self-destruction I did up in dallas. My psych thinks getting back a normal schedule might help, but that's no longer possible. Until the government bans background checks - which marijuana is more likely to be legallized first - then I'm never going to live a self-sufficient life. I've talked to almost every company that could, would, or is hiring me. If they don't deny me due to experience, they check my background. If they're too lazy to do that, they just pull the "what's this large gap in your employment history?".
Well, the truth is, no one will hire me. I've heard "no" enough, I'm done. School is no longer in the qustion; if I can't get a job now, how's it going to help at all later? They'll just pull the same crap every employer thusfar has. Its only of use if I can afford to fund my own education, which, is impossible in the U.S.. And now I can't exit, either.
So, it's impossible for me to find a job. No job? No girl. No money? No school. No school, no job, no girl, no reason to live. I've been living in the shadows practically my entire life. It's not worth it to beg for someone to help me up anymore. And I'm obviously too hindered to help myself.
This is probably the closest to a suicide note I've ever written. I may have friends, but the truth is my life has seen them come and go, and they will. Once they do, will more come? If so, what's the freaking point? I don't even have any money, and can't get any. No one wants to support me, and justly so.
No job is going to find me. I'm sick of getting said no to. No school education would be worthwhile, just money spent on future failure. And as far as a girl? Well, without a job or a class, would you date me? I wouldn't. I'm just wasting your oxygen anyway.
[edit] I'm keeping this entry as a reminder of how insane I was. I've snapped out, and realized no matter how bleak today is tomorrow can be better. It took a few actions, and courage I didn't know I had. But this was me, I shal never forget.
Oct. 16th, 2010 @ 12:33 pm
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| » Lumio Quixote |
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"OM NOM NOM NOM" Lumio was chowing down on his Prized Pie. It'd be even better if he actually made it, no, he has no idea who actually made this pie, but he likes it. It could be anyone from the neighborhood, heck, maybe even outside of the Shire? After all, he had just gotten back from Bree-town.
He flips through the channels, "Bah! Nothing but La Mancha! Why do I care about all this gossip?!" La Mancha was a popular reality TV series that captured audiences with shocker moments and drew them in with fake drama. Many of the less adventurous types would enjoy this show, but not Lumio. "Ah, screw it. Candelleth said he wanted to speak with me anyway".
He hops on his horse and rides off to meet with Candelleth. It'll take a few hours to reach his destination, so that gives him plenty of thinking time. Plenty of thinking time, all alone on the open road. It is peaceful; much more peaceful than travelling with others passing through, but also a touch more boring.
He gave some thought to the week before; when he met up with some friends at the local pub and went out for the night. The fun was had in hacking up the local beasts, but that was nothing new. What was new was the two girls, the elf and human. Lumio had always been drawn to the mystery of the remaining elves; but at the same time humans were easier to socialize with. "Should I choose the divine, or the common?"
As if he actually had a choice. These were his adventuring buddies, not cute locals. These were not the girls for him, he knew it. But they were so much fun... and boy Lumio sure is a sucker for elves.
"Wait, who AM I supposed to be hitting on?" Confusion struck Lumio's face, and stuck there in a silly awkward half-grin for the next hour. His boggled mind began to include and exclude all different sorts of categories of meeting places and situations. "I haven't really given this much thought, have I?"
Lumio was no stranger to anything. He hasn't been adventuring his entire life; in fact while growing up he had quite a few fanciful ladies. "Cmon, draw, draw, draw", drawing from his own experience proves nothing. "I... dont know?" For a moment it seems like those were all the girls he ever knew. But, as he thinks further and further, he begins to recall the ones who got away, and then finally, the ones who were better off as friends. Or just ended up that way.
"Courting isn't quite as easy as it used to be..." Lumio dismisses the thought altogether. His mind wanders back to the two females in question, "Why am I thinking about this so much?" It's not like either of them dig him in that way, he's a fat hobbit! But beyond the superficial, most of the people he meets are happy to help out; usually for the greater good or just out of sheer boredom.
Sep. 15th, 2010 @ 02:48 am
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| » Creepypasta's got me thinkin... true? |
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Many classic horror icons, such as Geger’s xenomorphs, Silent Hill’s Pyramid Head, and other disturbing creatures, share common characteristics. Pale skin, dark, sunken eyes, elongated faces, sharp teeth, and the like. These images inspire horror and revulsion in many, and with good reason. The characteristics shared by these faces are imprinted in the human mind.
Many things frighten humans instinctively. The fear is natural, and does not need to be reinforced in order to terrify. The fears are species-wide, stemming from dark times in the past when lightning could mean the burning of your tree home, thunder could be the approaching gallops of a stampede, predators could hide in darkness, and heights could make poor footing lethal.
The question you have to ask yourself is this:
What happened, deep in the hidden eras before history began, that could effect the entire human race so evenly as to give the entire species a deep, instinctual, and lasting fear of pale beings with dark, sunken eyes, razor sharp teeth, and elongated faces?
… Just be careful out there.
(reposted from http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Creepypasta/Awesome_Creepypasta)
Sep. 10th, 2010 @ 11:40 am
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| » State of my (dis)union. |
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At this point, my life is much better than it was 6 months ago. In fact, it's better than it was a year ago too. Pretty much the happiest I've been in the last year and a half. Hanging out with all those fake people with their fake personalities, fake clothes, fake boobs and fake parties really got to me. I'm a damn good actor, but I can't live a role. I'm sure Dallas would be glad to not have me back anyway.
But, when I left, it felt like the end of the world. Even when gossip and everything I hate is ruling my life, people are better than no people. We're social beasts, we must communicate to live.
After I found out my senior year that I was one hot topic of gossip, that air just kinda stuck. I never really stopped reliving my senior year, each year all I did was repeat the pattern over and over again. Oh how lucky I've been to have known love twice since then; but the sting of not being ready for it almost makes me seem unlucky.
It's time I moved on. I'm happy now, I've got good friends who don't lie to your face, I've got fun hobbies that keep my mind at bay without draining my life away. But what's next? Who's next? Life is scary to go at alone, I'd love to trade the barren landscape for a trampoline so it doesn't hurt so bad when I fall. Till then, all I got are the 'dunes, but they aren't so bad.
I told myself about a month ago, it was time The Wedding Singer came back into my life. And damnit, this time I'm not going to wallow around in pity, I'm going to make things happen.
They call me Todd the Magician. I like turtles, and making happiness appear out of thin air.
"What I'm saying is all I really want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right."
Sep. 7th, 2010 @ 12:59 pm
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