Jun Matsumoto

bitter, forever alone.

tmw you realize you've kept the same blog for 12 years and are just as single as when you started it

tmw your ex posts shit you used to do
Jun Matsumoto
psydude

I mean, mine were pretty short love notes too, but it was one of the behaviors she definitely "did not like" when she was rattling things off.

Oh, but it's someone else, so now it's suddenly okay.  What a hypocrite.



Can you really blame someone for having a double standard?  I mean, you knew you weren't her type.  I just wish she had been more forward about it, or that I wasn't such a fool.  I've been kinda-sorta-single ever since... I've had 2 short relationships that didn't get too involved.  Idk, once you're stuck in the "nothing you do is right" rut, it's hard to get out.  I'm just always second guessing myself when it comes to women, it's not really worth it to even try anymore.  I mean, anyone who's willing to accomodate my insecure idiot ass is long since hooked.  Cest la vie.


House of the rising sun
Jun Matsumoto
psydude

Boom Boom Boom Boom

Max Don't Have Sex With Your Ex

House Of the Rising Sun

She-Wolf

Fly Me To The Moon.

What a Fool Believes

Private Eyes

Hang On To Your Love

As I get older, the songs that describe my life go further back in time.  As a bonus, these are all songs that have influanced me and describe a particular belief I have (okay, She-Wolf is definitely one specific person, the rest are more general).


How I train an animal - positive reinforcement
Jun Matsumoto
psydude

Positive reinforcement is the best way to get across a message.  I have two cats, and I've trained them both to be loving non-violent creatures through positive reinforcement.  I expect to use a modified technique on children someday.

For positive reinforcement to work, the being has to know you don't want to harm it.  The best way is by giving it some affection... in animals that are used to liking humans, a good back scratch or head rub will get the point across.  In abused animals, this often involved a lot of repeitive crouching and staying still, or holding the animal calmly in a comfortable position while caressing it.  It can take many months before an abused cat or dog to begin trusting humans again, but as long as you don't harm him/her, he/she will begin you, if not all humans again

For cats, my favored technique is to pick them up and hold them while pacing.  Abused cats will resist violently, its important to not overreact when they do.  Hold them as long as possible, and let them down gently when its too much.  They will scratch and resist, but the longer you resist and remain calm, the quicker they will stop.  It's okay to wear layers of clothing during this training process; it's most improtant that you do not react violently when the cat "defends" itself from your "love".  It's hard to react calmly when you're bleeding profusely, and training a cat to not use his/her claws must come later.

If you're in too much pain from the resistance, put them down slowly.  Cats usually upright themselves when falling, but they'll trust you more if they don't have to.  Once they begin to trust you enough to hold them for a minute or more without resistance, you can begin diciplining them properly.  This is when where they realize you might have a point, and they should pay attention.

Cats (and to a lesser extent dogs) will not listen until they trust you, so you must become better than the cat and not stoop to his/her level.  Many cats do not trust humans and will overreact when humans are around... it's the owners responsibility to prove to this animal that such an overreaction is never necessary.

For smaller dogs, its the same technique but doesn't usually take as long as with a cat.  For larger dogs, the whole "lifting and loving" technique can become quicklly impossible.  Chasing and cornering an animal creates docility only in greatly inferior animals; if they think they can kill you, they just might try.   Your job with bigger, violent (usually abused) dogs is to prove killing you has no benefit. Larger dogs require more of a martial arts-style training than an alpha-male-dominance relationship.  It requires more dicipline and focus, more cooperative work and less defiant work.  An inferior animal being tackled with a back-scratch might just not resist ("i cant win and this doesn't hurt now"); an equal animal will always resist ("I can win and this might hurt soon"), and a superior animal will always win ("I can win and I don't want this to hurt ever").  Humans don't often offer 6ft+ lions a belly rub, (thankfully, but also making this effect
harder to measure.)


Income inequality and the expectation of marriage.
Jun Matsumoto
psydude

In america, it is not possible for a single person to live on minimum wage alone, comfortably. If this wasn't true, we wouldn't be admist a multi-year long debate about the minimum wage being too low. It is. #incomeinequality is real. For now, most couples don't have too many problems making ends meet. Even when both work low hourly wage jobs, and have a kid or two.

In 1960 shows like Leave it to Beaver, All in the Family, and even Andy Griffith showed us that a single income family working a low-skill job was more than enough to live comfortably, even in the big city.  Even Seinfeld (90s) portrayed himself living in new york, alone, in a fancy high rise, working as a local comedian without residency, travel, or long tours.  In Friends, the perception was that all of them could live alone (and did at various points) but that they preferred living together, even with a basic waitress job, in the heart of New York City.

Australia has a minimum wage twice ours, almost US$16/hr.  "Oh, but that would raise living expenses expotentially!"  Not true.  Their cost of living is about 25% more on average.  Which means they have 75% more disposable income on average than you or I do.  But this argument is silly, we all know its way too low, it's only for students still living with their parents anyway.

The real problem is that what the government promotes to help with living expenses.  You might think "those lowlife jobless losers living off my tax dollars" exists, but it doesn't.  Even unemployment is extremely limited in scope these days; basically the only way to get free money from them is to have babies.  Having babies requires a proper tango, which can never be performed solo.  Essentially, the government is promoting marriage as a solution to income inequality.

"The government is promoting marriage as a solution to poverty" would be totally impossible and as likely as the rapture in 1960.  But today?  It's more prominent than ever.
"Why do welfare funds go to marriage counseling?" http://www.marketplace.org/2016/05/31/world/twenty-years-after-welfare-reform-how-are-states-spending-funds



My idols
Jun Matsumoto
psydude

My idols are Neil Degrasse Tyson, Hannibal Burress, and John Oliver.

I hope i can one day be as awesome as any of them.


Does she even care?
Jun Matsumoto
psydude

So, my girlfriend has been out at the beach all evening.  She told me about this days in advance, so that's not a surprise.

Three nights ago, I had an arguement with her about how detatched shes been.  She's been hanging out with her bestie every single evening and sleeping until I go to work, so even though I live with her I had seen her so little.  It lasted for almost 7 hours off and on... mostly (vastly) off.  In the end I conceeded I would bring these complaints up sooner and not bottle them up.

Two nights ago, i caught her talking to her bestie and ended with "I love you" (too?  Did she say too?  Does it even matter?).  She gave him a ride from (to?) work, then came back home to hang out with me.  While I was at work, she even scored (not just one, but four!) job(s)!  I congratulated her multiple times and told her I was so proud of her.

Yesterday, I take her car in for an oil change, and shit hits the fan.  Broken engine mounts, a broken CV joint.  I volunteered to pay for it.... after all, I love this woman!  She volunteered to pay me back.  Well, rather, it's a longer story than that.  Long ago I told her I'd be happy to lend her money if she had income to pay me back.  Then she finally gets a job; hence my eccstaticness.  Then we find out I gotta drop $1k on her car.  Once she got the news, she started crying, saying that her car is her baby.  Which I completely understand, my car is my baby too (or at least my new WRX is).  I mentioned my still-open offer, and she replied "I promise I will pay you back!"  I believe her, and even despite my complaints below, I do still believe her about that.

Today, I woke her up for her first shift.  She delayed, so I laid in bed with her.  But first, I checked to see if she had an alarm set.  I opened the display on her phone to see her bestie start a text with "Last night you broke my heart[...]".  In conjunction with the I love yous, and the fact that they're currently camping.... I'm beginning to get seriously worried.  I walked to the auto care place to get her car home early in the morning, and she looked at me like I was crazy.  Or rather, told me I was.  It's true... but it would have been nicer if she had been appreciative.

NSFWCollapse )

I'm pretty sure she's cheating on me, even though she denied it in person.  We used to show each other our conversations all the time... for conversational sake.  She even showed me how to unlock her phone.  She changed it 2-3 weeks ago... a week or two after her and Derek became "besties" again.  It's no longer a pattern, it's a PIN (3711).  I havent had a chance to snoop through her phone... shes awfully protective of it.  She tried to tell me "I do this, I change attitudes, I'm very protective of my stuff", but I don't think that's the entire truth.  I think she's doing it because she has something to hide... but I have no proof and she's denied it to my face.

"You can't come along because you have to work" was one of her responses to my inquiry about this 'fishing' trip.  She hasn't replied to a single text I've sent this evening, outside of when I accidently called her (I was trying to call a customer).

I mean, it could just be a crazy amount of coincidences.  Maybe they are just best friends, maybe derek says "i love you" to everyone and she responded out of habit, maybe derek just says stuff like "you broke my heart" all the time.  None of this explains my main concern though.... if she's dating me, but ditches me after work to "hang out with her bestie" every single night... why isn't she dating her bestie?  Isn't your spouse -supposed- to be your best friend?  She's my best friend... I wish I was hers.


Update to "Excerpts from May 5th"
Jun Matsumoto
psydude
Separated this for readability, the original post was way too long.

[update]

The only problem I face is that somehow I chose the wrong friends back then. I didn't know they'd all turn into selfish drug addicts that abused so much they were paranoid of sober people. My entire life I've been the designated driver: I like it, actually. But when my friends all trip balls and I'm sober, they begin to get paranoid. They misplace something, suddenly I stole it. They forget a password, suddenly I hacked their accounts. They get so fucked up they run into their car and dent it, suddenly it's my fault. I couldn't take it. As much as I enjoy friendship... I couldn't take the verbal abuse I'd get when they were on drugs. And it happened every single time I hung out with them! I was done.

And I'm absolutely sure it affects people's perceptions of me. "Why is this guy so lonely, why does he have so few friends? Something must be wrong with him." I'm the most agreeable person I know, I never fight with anyone. If there's anything wrong, I don't argue or bitch, I just take care of it. This attitude leads me to be abused at work... at my last job I was an assistant manager, the nighttime janitor, and a delivery driver. All with a full load of college courses. When I left, I had to hire two people to replace just what I did.

[update addendum: 'Not my Job!']

My new job is quickly going the same way. I've turned the department's bitter asshole into someone who hates me -slightly less- than the rest of the department. Last shift I even stayed 30 minutes late just to chat with her. Most nights I work, they pile lots of duties on me outside my job class, ask me stay late, and I always get everything done. I like learning new things, so I'm always willing to try a task I've never done before. (I'm only a bakery clerk, but) I've gotten familiar with baking about half our departments items, I can decorate a few desserts, my cake handwriting is getting better daily, I always clean everything up even if I have to stay late, and I even let the real decorators go home earlier because I take care of their last hour's duties in my spare time.

During that closing shift, the 'bitter asshole' told me "Don't do it, don't do any of that! It's not your job! They should get in trouble for not finishing their task!"

I don't see it that way. Even though she gets a performance bonus and I don't, I don't mind finishing other's tasks that I can perform. I enjoy making people happy... it's as simple as that. In fact, when I came in today, I found out that she (bitter asshole) had accidently turned off the cake refrigerator at night ruining everything inside. I was quizzed by both the head decorator and the boss, "Please tell me (bitter asshole) was the one who flipped this switch". Exactly those words. Yes, it was her, she used her foot to flip the light switch (a big no-no) and must have hit the fridge switch on accident. I touched neither.

[Relating all this back to personal life]

I've slowly been preparing myself to be a good long-term mate (read: husband) for a while now. I've been regularly learning new dishes, cleaning, and browsing stores to keep my product knowledge up to date. I've learned how to repair most things, from building an Ikea desk, to re-finishing a wall, to modifying and extending electrical circuits/cords. I can do basic carpentry and car maintenance. And thanks to my cats... I know how to childproof a house (my cats are eternal 2-year-olds). My Dad helped much, taught me how to clean and take care of my car, also how to manage a house and a lawn, from painting to gardening. The rest I learned on my own.

The problem is, I haven't had any good candidates until recently. After my move back to Houston I was lost... looking for connections. I met a girl (back in late 2010), but she ended up not being what I expected. I jumped in deep too soon, and she turned from a gamer-dnd-artist into a bitter bitch because "my old friends won't hang out with me now that I'm not single". There were many more problems, but it all boiled down to her blaming me for all her problems I never caused. She destroyed many of my valuable possessions in her rage-fits. I was Obama to her. I should have never let that go on for over 2 years.

Then after taking a very long break, I messaged a random internet friend from forever ago on facebook. Well, she was trying to break up with her boyfriend of 4 years, was jobless, and since they didn't talk anymore she took the opportunity and ran with it. That 'officially' lasted 7 months, but only because I clung like a fool. She was using me as rebound, even though the guy before me lasted only 3 weeks (so I guess technically I'm rebound #2)... after a couple of months I could sense it. I just didn't want to give up. I don't want to give up anymore...

I don't want to give up anymore. I will keep fighting until I win. I wasn't ready before, but I'm ready now. All I need is someone who's willing to shake her fist at me and say "fight on!" [/end anime reference]

And preferably someone whom I can identify with more. Me and Holly's only real connection was a game we both quit 6 years beforehand. Sure, we both got back into it, but after a month she got bored of it again. Besides that, the only mutual interest we shared was Hockey... and only because her dad got us both into it. I feel like a fool for thinking that was a real connection. I've realized I have stronger connections elsewhere since then.

Finally, my heavy chest feels light. Thanks for reading. Good night LJ.

Excerpts from my private May 5th post.
Jun Matsumoto
psydude
I privated it before anyone could see it. At first I was worried. I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest, and I wasn't sure how anyone would take it.

Just like I said in that post, I'm a fool. So, here's the excerpts. Only two people on my friend list still post here anyway, and both of them deserve to see this story, names included. []'s include info I've added for this post.


May. 5th, 2015 @ 01:42 am
Title: My Place: I'm the love fool.
I keep using the excuse "I'm in a bad place." I feel like after the past week, it's become a crutch. I'm the fool. But, it started long before this week, and has been going on for a while, so it's best I detail it out.

14 months ago, I asked about a dozen of my friends on advice for where to move. I wanted out of Houston BADLY, that place is full of dark and dismal memories for me [See update for context]. I didn't want to restart a life in Dallas, that place has even worse memories. I wanted out of Texas. Out of all 12 I contacted, 11 of them said "no, don't come here, it's horrible, I wish I never had." That crossed off the entire metro areas of:San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, Chicago, Raleigh/Charlotte, New York, Boston, and DC. The only place I didn't get a "no" to was Tampa. In fact, I got an emphatic "I love it here, if you come here I'll make it feel like home to you!"

And after living here for 9 months now, it does feel like home. In fact, I love this place. (Admittedly I moved to St. Pete, not Tampa, and I'm very glad I did. Tampa is kinda ghetto, but this area IS REALLY NICE. AND AFFORDABLE!!!!)

The problem is, for the last 6 months, after I finally settled down, Holly grew more and more distant. I got a little depressed, because she was my only true friend in the area. I've since made one through work, and I have several people I'm friendly with at work, but I doubt true friendship would come of any of them. I'm just kind of waiting for school to start at this point.

My relationship with Holly quickly got depressing. After 6 months of constant non-stop chatter, I met her in person finally, after knowing (about) her for almost a decade. But, something happened after she finally got a job for the first time in years. It was just too depressing going from seeing her 5-6 days a week, to once a week, to once every other week, to once a month, all between late November and early January. I've only seen her in person a total of 6 days this entire year... almost exactly once a month.

She told me she's just not ready to emotionally connect to anyone, but she wants to remain friends. I'm not sure I can do that. I'll still converse with her every so often, but it just dies... it never died before [December, see update above]. I think that in the end, she was looking for a way out of her past relationship, to distance herself from it. I don't want to call it rebound, but she's just changed too much.

And I've fallen in love with someone else anyway. I sensed this breakup months ago, but it still hurt. Then, two days later (I don't believe in fate, but the coincidence is too hard to ignore), Amber messages me, asking about Josh.

So, I decided to take the opportunity. I chatted with Amber a bit... first over LJ, then Facebook (yay I remembered her last name after 8 years!) Then Skype, and finally in real life. I visited Atlanta, where she is for now, for 4 days.

At the start, I told her "I'm not sure I'm ready" She keeps assuring me she isn't either. Probably because before I visited her, I was kind of insistent. But I'm the fool, yet again.

During my four day visit, we 'played couple'. I even stayed an extra day (as long as I could!), and we both had so much fun... neither of us wanted it to end. Alas, she had a flight to Colorado for a week. And that's where she is now. [She's now back, communication has resumed, but kept for continuity's sake].

I haven't heard from her since she boarded the plane. She landed safely, I saw the facebook post. And she's checking my text messages, but not replying. Admittedly, I'm not asking any questions, just sending funny photos and a couple "good luck, have fun!" messages. But even when I was visiting, while she was at work she texted me CONSTANTLY. I couldn't even take a nap! Well, I could have... but her texts excited me so much I didn't want to.

See that word? Excited? Yeah.... something changed. I realized fast that I had been single in all but the official sense since a week before Christmas.
Some quotes:
"She [Patti, Amber's temporary housemate in Atlanta] would [recruit you to convince me to stay in Georgia]. Thing is, If things did happen with you and me I would rather be in Florida because I wouldn't want to have a few days here and there"
(paraphrase b/c was in person) 'You will come visit me right? I'll come visit you too. I don't want this to end.'

A while ago my dad asked me "So, what is Holly into?" I answered "Uhh.. like, some stuff?"[See update for context]. While I was in Atlanta, I realized if my dad asked me today "So, what is Amber into?" I'd have five different ways of answering that question.

After all, it was a dream I stole from Amber, that she would find true love across the country [well, at least not closeby. It took me a couple years before I actually desired to live it out, I had to see it happen first. And I have... many times over now.] This was my second try [the first was in Massachusetts], but because I have nothing left in Houston, I'm staying here. My life is better now. I will get over that hurt [the Holly misfortune] quickly... in fact, I already have.

I wanted Holly to be a better Amber. But there is no better Amber than Amber. I'm the fool.
And yes, this was the conversation I wanted to have, but since it will have changed nothing then nor today, I'll just leave it here.

Note on passwords.
ryeah!
psydude
The most restrictive site i've seen says:
10+ chars, capital letter, lowercase letter, number or symbol.

The usual case is
6+ chars, letters (not all lowercase)

Other cases:
5-14, letters and numbers
6-12 anything
5+ anything (least restrictive)
6+ not one word (avoids dictionary searches)
more to come...; test to take.

Lumi on popularity
ryeah!
psydude
I had it totally wrong back in the day. I hated EVERYTHING that was popular. That was not the right thing to do! Things get popular for a reason...
However, there is a such thing as "riding on popularity". For example, a really good TV show releases a line of T-shirts, which although low quality and high price, end up selling anyway simply because they picture something popular.

Okay, so here's the new rule to follow. Avoid things that have the picture of something popular on them.
As I've learned from experience, things get popular for a reason. Games and music arent popular if they're crap, same with most movies and TV shows. Movies are the exception only because marketing can make up for the one-time viewing factor, whereas TV shows, games, and music are all repeated so their quality has to be high for repeat value to kick in.

Don't hate something just because it's popular. Hate everything else that's riding off of the original item's popularity. Angry... BURRIDOS?! Oh come on. It's a video game. Now it's a burrito chain?!

?

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