Todd (psydude) wrote,

Excerpts from my private May 5th post.

I privated it before anyone could see it. At first I was worried. I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest, and I wasn't sure how anyone would take it.

Just like I said in that post, I'm a fool. So, here's the excerpts. Only two people on my friend list still post here anyway, and both of them deserve to see this story, names included. []'s include info I've added for this post.

May. 5th, 2015 @ 01:42 am
Title: My Place: I'm the love fool.
I keep using the excuse "I'm in a bad place." I feel like after the past week, it's become a crutch. I'm the fool. But, it started long before this week, and has been going on for a while, so it's best I detail it out.

14 months ago, I asked about a dozen of my friends on advice for where to move. I wanted out of Houston BADLY, that place is full of dark and dismal memories for me [See update for context]. I didn't want to restart a life in Dallas, that place has even worse memories. I wanted out of Texas. Out of all 12 I contacted, 11 of them said "no, don't come here, it's horrible, I wish I never had." That crossed off the entire metro areas of:San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, Chicago, Raleigh/Charlotte, New York, Boston, and DC. The only place I didn't get a "no" to was Tampa. In fact, I got an emphatic "I love it here, if you come here I'll make it feel like home to you!"

And after living here for 9 months now, it does feel like home. In fact, I love this place. (Admittedly I moved to St. Pete, not Tampa, and I'm very glad I did. Tampa is kinda ghetto, but this area IS REALLY NICE. AND AFFORDABLE!!!!)

The problem is, for the last 6 months, after I finally settled down, Holly grew more and more distant. I got a little depressed, because she was my only true friend in the area. I've since made one through work, and I have several people I'm friendly with at work, but I doubt true friendship would come of any of them. I'm just kind of waiting for school to start at this point.

My relationship with Holly quickly got depressing. After 6 months of constant non-stop chatter, I met her in person finally, after knowing (about) her for almost a decade. But, something happened after she finally got a job for the first time in years. It was just too depressing going from seeing her 5-6 days a week, to once a week, to once every other week, to once a month, all between late November and early January. I've only seen her in person a total of 6 days this entire year... almost exactly once a month.

She told me she's just not ready to emotionally connect to anyone, but she wants to remain friends. I'm not sure I can do that. I'll still converse with her every so often, but it just dies... it never died before [December, see update above]. I think that in the end, she was looking for a way out of her past relationship, to distance herself from it. I don't want to call it rebound, but she's just changed too much.

And I've fallen in love with someone else anyway. I sensed this breakup months ago, but it still hurt. Then, two days later (I don't believe in fate, but the coincidence is too hard to ignore), Amber messages me, asking about Josh.

So, I decided to take the opportunity. I chatted with Amber a bit... first over LJ, then Facebook (yay I remembered her last name after 8 years!) Then Skype, and finally in real life. I visited Atlanta, where she is for now, for 4 days.

At the start, I told her "I'm not sure I'm ready" She keeps assuring me she isn't either. Probably because before I visited her, I was kind of insistent. But I'm the fool, yet again.

During my four day visit, we 'played couple'. I even stayed an extra day (as long as I could!), and we both had so much fun... neither of us wanted it to end. Alas, she had a flight to Colorado for a week. And that's where she is now. [She's now back, communication has resumed, but kept for continuity's sake].

I haven't heard from her since she boarded the plane. She landed safely, I saw the facebook post. And she's checking my text messages, but not replying. Admittedly, I'm not asking any questions, just sending funny photos and a couple "good luck, have fun!" messages. But even when I was visiting, while she was at work she texted me CONSTANTLY. I couldn't even take a nap! Well, I could have... but her texts excited me so much I didn't want to.

See that word? Excited? Yeah.... something changed. I realized fast that I had been single in all but the official sense since a week before Christmas.
Some quotes:
"She [Patti, Amber's temporary housemate in Atlanta] would [recruit you to convince me to stay in Georgia]. Thing is, If things did happen with you and me I would rather be in Florida because I wouldn't want to have a few days here and there"
(paraphrase b/c was in person) 'You will come visit me right? I'll come visit you too. I don't want this to end.'

A while ago my dad asked me "So, what is Holly into?" I answered "Uhh.. like, some stuff?"[See update for context]. While I was in Atlanta, I realized if my dad asked me today "So, what is Amber into?" I'd have five different ways of answering that question.

After all, it was a dream I stole from Amber, that she would find true love across the country [well, at least not closeby. It took me a couple years before I actually desired to live it out, I had to see it happen first. And I have... many times over now.] This was my second try [the first was in Massachusetts], but because I have nothing left in Houston, I'm staying here. My life is better now. I will get over that hurt [the Holly misfortune] quickly... in fact, I already have.

I wanted Holly to be a better Amber. But there is no better Amber than Amber. I'm the fool.
And yes, this was the conversation I wanted to have, but since it will have changed nothing then nor today, I'll just leave it here.
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