Todd (psydude) wrote,

Update to "Excerpts from May 5th"

Separated this for readability, the original post was way too long.


The only problem I face is that somehow I chose the wrong friends back then. I didn't know they'd all turn into selfish drug addicts that abused so much they were paranoid of sober people. My entire life I've been the designated driver: I like it, actually. But when my friends all trip balls and I'm sober, they begin to get paranoid. They misplace something, suddenly I stole it. They forget a password, suddenly I hacked their accounts. They get so fucked up they run into their car and dent it, suddenly it's my fault. I couldn't take it. As much as I enjoy friendship... I couldn't take the verbal abuse I'd get when they were on drugs. And it happened every single time I hung out with them! I was done.

And I'm absolutely sure it affects people's perceptions of me. "Why is this guy so lonely, why does he have so few friends? Something must be wrong with him." I'm the most agreeable person I know, I never fight with anyone. If there's anything wrong, I don't argue or bitch, I just take care of it. This attitude leads me to be abused at work... at my last job I was an assistant manager, the nighttime janitor, and a delivery driver. All with a full load of college courses. When I left, I had to hire two people to replace just what I did.

[update addendum: 'Not my Job!']

My new job is quickly going the same way. I've turned the department's bitter asshole into someone who hates me -slightly less- than the rest of the department. Last shift I even stayed 30 minutes late just to chat with her. Most nights I work, they pile lots of duties on me outside my job class, ask me stay late, and I always get everything done. I like learning new things, so I'm always willing to try a task I've never done before. (I'm only a bakery clerk, but) I've gotten familiar with baking about half our departments items, I can decorate a few desserts, my cake handwriting is getting better daily, I always clean everything up even if I have to stay late, and I even let the real decorators go home earlier because I take care of their last hour's duties in my spare time.

During that closing shift, the 'bitter asshole' told me "Don't do it, don't do any of that! It's not your job! They should get in trouble for not finishing their task!"

I don't see it that way. Even though she gets a performance bonus and I don't, I don't mind finishing other's tasks that I can perform. I enjoy making people happy... it's as simple as that. In fact, when I came in today, I found out that she (bitter asshole) had accidently turned off the cake refrigerator at night ruining everything inside. I was quizzed by both the head decorator and the boss, "Please tell me (bitter asshole) was the one who flipped this switch". Exactly those words. Yes, it was her, she used her foot to flip the light switch (a big no-no) and must have hit the fridge switch on accident. I touched neither.

[Relating all this back to personal life]

I've slowly been preparing myself to be a good long-term mate (read: husband) for a while now. I've been regularly learning new dishes, cleaning, and browsing stores to keep my product knowledge up to date. I've learned how to repair most things, from building an Ikea desk, to re-finishing a wall, to modifying and extending electrical circuits/cords. I can do basic carpentry and car maintenance. And thanks to my cats... I know how to childproof a house (my cats are eternal 2-year-olds). My Dad helped much, taught me how to clean and take care of my car, also how to manage a house and a lawn, from painting to gardening. The rest I learned on my own.

The problem is, I haven't had any good candidates until recently. After my move back to Houston I was lost... looking for connections. I met a girl (back in late 2010), but she ended up not being what I expected. I jumped in deep too soon, and she turned from a gamer-dnd-artist into a bitter bitch because "my old friends won't hang out with me now that I'm not single". There were many more problems, but it all boiled down to her blaming me for all her problems I never caused. She destroyed many of my valuable possessions in her rage-fits. I was Obama to her. I should have never let that go on for over 2 years.

Then after taking a very long break, I messaged a random internet friend from forever ago on facebook. Well, she was trying to break up with her boyfriend of 4 years, was jobless, and since they didn't talk anymore she took the opportunity and ran with it. That 'officially' lasted 7 months, but only because I clung like a fool. She was using me as rebound, even though the guy before me lasted only 3 weeks (so I guess technically I'm rebound #2)... after a couple of months I could sense it. I just didn't want to give up. I don't want to give up anymore...

I don't want to give up anymore. I will keep fighting until I win. I wasn't ready before, but I'm ready now. All I need is someone who's willing to shake her fist at me and say "fight on!" [/end anime reference]

And preferably someone whom I can identify with more. Me and Holly's only real connection was a game we both quit 6 years beforehand. Sure, we both got back into it, but after a month she got bored of it again. Besides that, the only mutual interest we shared was Hockey... and only because her dad got us both into it. I feel like a fool for thinking that was a real connection. I've realized I have stronger connections elsewhere since then.

Finally, my heavy chest feels light. Thanks for reading. Good night LJ.
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